When Does Marriage Occur?
A widespread misconception that has characterized society is the idea that marriage does not actually occur until “consummation” occurs via sexual relations. However, the Bible does not concur with this misconception. Marriage is not sex. Sex is a privilege or benefit of marriage—an activity that God intends to be confined within the marriage relationship. Whether two people are married has nothing to do with whether they are engaging in sexual relations. Two people can be legally and scripturally married without ever engaging in sexual relations—even as pre-marital sexual relations do not make the participants married to each other. The notion of “consummating” the marriage—as if the marriage is not yet in effect until sexual intercourse—is an unbiblical notion. God requires people to be scripturally married before they engage in sexual relations. Hence, sexual intercourse is not what determines marriage.
A person who is impotent, or physically incapable of having sexual intercourse (e.g., a quadriplegic), can still be legally and scripturally married—though unable to engage in sexual relations. A young man who marries a girl and then is immediately shipped off to war, without a wedding night or honeymoon, is still legally married. If he dies in battle, his wife is his legal widow. “Marriage” is defined as “the legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife.” That means that marriage is an arrangement between two people who have mutually consented to be married to each other at a specified time and place, in compliance with whatever civil legalities are required to formalize and enact the marriage (i.e., a ceremony, license, etc.—provided the government does not enact unbiblical policies). It is an arrangement that involves many aspects in addition to sex—cohabitation being but one of those aspects.
Further, if marriage occurs at the point of the act of sex, a person would have to sin to get married—since the sexual foreplay/touching/arousal that a couple engages in as the prelude to sexual intercourse is defined in Scripture as “lasciviousness” (Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 4:19) for those not already married to each other.
Every culture/society has a moment in time when a couple is considered to be married. In American civilization, that moment has historically been when the preacher or Justice of the Peace says: “I now pronounce you man and wife.” All parties concerned—witnesses as well as the couple—understand and recognize that they are married at that point. Even the signing of the marriage license is a mere after-the-fact formality to comply with state record keeping. But the couple is officially married. If not, the preacher is stating a falsehood. In Africa, one tribal group counted a couple married when they held hands and jumped over a broomstick. That stick was the dividing line between unmarried and married. Every culture has some means by which that line is recognized—and it has nothing to do with sex. Even in the unique situation of Adam and Eve, the marriage ceremony was conducted by God in Genesis 2:23-24, concluding with Adam declaring acceptance of the marriage relationship.
Passages that show sexual activity does not define marriage:
1. John 4:17-18—the Samaritan woman was living with a man, undoubtedly having sexual relations with him, yet Jesus said he was not her husband (at least not legally in God’s sight).
2. Matthew 1:23-25—Joseph married Mary (“took Mary as his wife”), but did not have sexual relations with her until after Jesus was born.
3. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5—Suppose a man and woman go through their marriage ceremony, and then mutually agree to forego sexual relations for a period of time (perhaps due to illness of either one). If a married couple—with the approval of God according to Paul—can forego sexual relations for a brief period of time, could they not do so immediately after the marriage ceremony? But if marriage does not occur until sexual relations, the couple, though living together and giving the impression to all that they are married, would not actually be married. Suppose they had an automobile accident on the way to their honeymoon, and one was seriously injured and hospitalized for six months—would they still be married? Of course.
In 1 Corinthians 6:16, Paul teaches that sexual relations create an intimate physical union that God intended for marriage, which is why joining oneself sexually to a harlot is fornication and a sin against one’s body. So the Christian who does so is destroying his relationship to Christ, connecting his body to a harlot and thus severing his connection to Christ. The becoming “one” does not refer to marriage, but to the physical sexual connection between the two. In fact, observe that what makes sexual relations between two people who are scripturally married to each other legal and right is because they are married to each other. What makes sexual relations between a man and a harlot sinful and wrong is because they are not scripturally married to each other. Two people scripturally married to each other are authorized to “become one flesh” sexually with each other; those not scripturally married are not authorized to do so.
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